The Saga Continues

I really, really hope this isn't any sort of three-strikes-you're-out situation, because today was the third day in a row without a parting 'I LOVE YOU' from Caleb. He was in such a good mood this morning that I was sooo hoping today everything would be back to normal. Alas, it wasn't.

I know I could say something about it to him and he would gladly resume his old goodbye ritual, if he knew how very special it was to me. But, I just don't want to. It brings to mind the whole free will question - is it really REAL and heartfelt if it was coerced? I don't think so. As much as I long to see his smiling face and that little hand stretching up to say 'I LOVE YOU', I want it to be legit. So. This will be the last post documenting this unfortunate development. But, here's hoping that before long I can report back that The Love has returned.

Update: No Lovin'

So, I was burned again today. Left feeling rejected and disappointed - no 'I LOVE YOU' sign from Caleb, again.

Thankfully, there was no girl at fault today. I know that should provide some level of relief, but I'm not so sure I feel any better. While he was barreling out of the car this morning, one of his friends was nearby, so he just slammed the door and took off running. He was feeling the urge to get down to the business of play as quickly as possible and, paramount to any biological or emotional need to make even the briefest of connections with his Mommy, he got right to it.

Darn it.

I think that might make me feel even more nervous than the 'girl' interloper. I know there will always be girls and they'll come and go. Thankfully, right now we're still in the stage of girls-are-a-mystery. There are little groups of boys on the playground hiding snickering whispers of "So-and-so kissed a GIRL!" behind their dirty, little boy hands. But, for the most part, the whole idea of 'girlfriend' is still completely innocent and elusive.

[Thank God!]

But, what happened today feels more like an indicator of business and distraction than anything else. And that makes me sad. I think I'll choose to keep this experience close by as a reminder of how I treat Caleb - am I sometimes too distracted and busy to flash him an 'I LOVE YOU'? It never takes long, but it's amazing how very important it is to establish that connection, to reaffirm someone special and to remind them of how much they mean to you.

[As an aside: Sometimes, when we're walking to the car from his class, I'll stick my hand out for Caleb to hold. More often than not, as long he's not bounding around in the bushes, he'll absentmindedly take my hand. It's bliss. It rarely fails, though, that shortly after I've got his hand in mine, he realizes, "Crud. I'm holding my Mom's hand." Awkwardness ensues, but only for him. I cherish every second of walking hand-in-hand with my big guy - no matter how dirty his hands are!]

And, while we're on the subject of my boys and girls... This is what Owen chose to wear a few weeks ago:

His explanation went a little something like this:

Owen: Mom!! [with major exasperation and eye rolling] I want to wear my button shirt and tie because I'm going to a dance tonight and I need to be dressed up!

Mom: Okay, Buddy, that's fine. [Who am I to argue with dressing up for a dance?]

Owen: Isaiah's girlfriend is going to be there and she's bringing a date!

Mom: Oh, really? Who is this date she's bringing?

Owen: Me!!!

No Love For Me Today

Day-to-day life is, more or less, a series of routines that we repeat at nauseam. Yes, there are often hiccups and bumps in the road that cause delay, way-lays and complete detours. The routines come and go and change with the seasons - of the year AND of life. For the most part, though, each day has a certain amount of predictability that I enjoy.

One of our current routines is dropping Caleb off at school. We get ready at the same frantic pace, we drive the same route, we do the same things (more or less) 5 days out of every week. My absolute favorite part of our routine is after you, my dear Caleb, get out of the car. You hop out of the rear, passenger-side door. You usually tumble out like a clumsy waterfall spilling over an obstacle in its path - forcefully, with your backpack swinging from your back and some sort of hat in hand. [Baseball cap, derby hat, beanie - you name it, you wear it.] After we say our 'goodbyes' and 'have a good days', you compose yourself and get the door closed. And, here comes my favorite part - you've always stretched one arm up to the passenger window to sign to me an 'I LOVE YOU' in sign language. All I can see is the end of your arm and your face from chin-up flashing me a sweet smile. You started this routine all on your own and it makes me smile and feel SO special every time.

Well. Not today. I didn't get an 'I LOVE YOU' today. While you were mid-spill-out-the-door today, I heard you holler, "Hey, there's Madison!" You slammed the door and took off running without so much as a farewell glance over your shoulder. Who is this Madison? As far as I could tell, she was the brown haired little girl sporting the turquoise skirt, pink headband and shiny, silver sandals that was hop-skipping her way onto the playground.

[Pardon me, but this can't be helped...]

DARN YOU, MADISON!!!

Even if only for today, you have stolen the love, affection and attention that is rightfully mine from my precious Caleb and I didn't like it one bit! I imagine that this was just one of those unforeseen hiccups and that everything will be back to normal tomorrow. But, the whole thing reeked with an ominous foreboding for our future that I just can't say that I'm okay with.

I know that some day there will be a special lady in your life that trumps your Mommy, and I'm okay with that. It will be a good thing, I'm sure. But, by some day I'm thinking when you're 23, at least! So, for the next 17 years or so, I'd better still be #1 in your book, Pal, and don't you forget it!

What Happens at Momo's...

...stays at Momo's.

Okay. It actually doesn't. We usually DO get to hear the excited retelling of tales that I could think tall, if I didn't know better. But, when it comes to the 4 completely amazing grandparents that my boys are so very blessed to have, it's not at all unlikely that by the time we pick them up they've had motorcycle rides [for real], getaway adventures to imaginary futon-turned-islands, tunnel digging expeditions, countless numbers of Happy Meals, forays into the magical domains of their grandpas - their garage/shop where the motorcycles stay, missions to feed the local birds, trips to the park, homemade pizza feasts, etc., etc. It's no wonder that when we leave them they're usually more than eager for us to get out of there and that when we get back they're usually too busy to even take notice. After all, the real magic doesn't happen unless Mom and Dad are gone.

Please know, Momo & Papa and Mammie & Popo [yes - weird names - it's a grandparental prerequisite these days], that we are unbelievable thankful for you, for everything you do and just for the fact that our boys are so very loved by you. It's an incredible blessing. YOU are an incredible blessing.

And, as a special treat, I'll let you see what it usually looks like when we bring them home from your houses:

What a Sweet, Little Man

You, my dear Caleb, are a Momma's boy - and I love it. A few weeks ago, you went with your Daddy to run some errands and you brought this beautiful bouquet home for me. I assumed your Daddy had something to do with it. Quite honestly, though, he admitted that all he did was pay for them. While you were out, you asked if you could please get some flowers for me and that you would use your own money. You didn't have enough, but Daddy was happy to help out, since you were making such a nice and thoughtful gesture.

I loved your smile when you gave them to me. You know I love surprises and you were so proud that you had thought of such a wonderful surprise for me. You can tell when you're doing something good that is going to make me extra happy. You get a shy little look that hides behind your smile. When it's time for you big boys to put your laundry away each week, you load Owen's laundry into the basket for me after you finish, just because you know it blesses me. YOU bless me. In big ways and in small, you bless me, just by being you.

You're more than half way through your first year in school and it has been absolutely amazing watching you grow and learn. You're starting to read and write. You love writing sentences, making up songs and drawing - and you do a great job! Your creativity is incredible. It doesn't matter what you're doing, you never fail to impress your audience.

I don't know how many times [because it has been too many to count] that I've looked at you lately and felt a pang in my heart because of how grown up you are. You just seem so big, grown up and self sufficient - and you're only in Kindergarten. It makes me wonder what it's going to be like when you're in third grade and then in seventh. Yikes. I can't even think beyond that, because I know it'll be here FAR too soon.

Whenever I think about how fast you're growing, I always think back to when you were a baby. I remember so clearly the time when you were a super-fussy, hard-to-please, colicky baby. It was SO hard and I felt so ill-equipped to care for you. The books I read said that you'd stop being so fussy when you were about six weeks old. Knowing that didn't help a bit. In the middle of it all, I could only keep rocking and bouncing you while I cried, because it seemed like you'd NEVER be six weeks old. Now you're six years old. You're going to be seven this summer and I hardly know where the time has gone.

It's flying...

You are a precious boy, Caleb, and I love you so very much!

You Made Me Laugh So Hard I Cried

A post chronicling some of the daily [and sometimes hourly] antics of Owen Jerome, or as we like to call him - Owie J, is long overdue. You, dear son, are a wonder. You constantly leave your Daddy and I at a loss, either because of your ferocious attitude, your insane shenanigans or your incredible sweetness. Sound like contradictions? They are. You are. One minute you're high, the next you're low. One minute you're angry, the next you're sweeter than sugar. You can shift gears in an instant and, like I said, it oftentimes leaves me feeling lost. Lost, but also completely addicted. You are completely unique and wonderful and perfect - even when you're crazy.

You've become quite obsessed with growing bigger lately. I often explain to you that you need to eat lots of healthy food and get lots of exercise and rest to grow bigger and stronger. After almost every meal, you ask, "Am I bigger now?" I know you're in a hurry. But, for your poor Mama's sake, would you mind slowing down just a bit? You've also been quite focused on your muscles lately, too, and for good reason, I'd say. They really are quite amazing. The other day I caught you staring down a little boy in the mall while you flexed your muscles at him. Yikes. Settle down there, Hot Shot!

Not a day goes by that isn't touched by some sort of Owen weirdness. It's sometimes maddening, always crazy silly and definitely makes life fun. You are never without a surprise, or two or three, up your sleeve!

This was you donning some cheer while we were shopping for a few new Christmas decorations for our tree. You felt like you looked quite smashing, and I agree!

This is how you wanted to dress to go to the daycare at the gym a few weeks ago. I was afraid the tie was going to get lost and I could have made you take it off, but how could I resist such a corny, little smile from such a handsome chap?

Your hair is getting really long and, thanks to the super sticky hair goo that your Momo gave you for Christmas, you can rock a really mean faux-hawk. I let you wear one to church yesterday. The pastors' oldest son will sometimes sport a faux-hawk of his own and as soon as we got to church yesterday, you ran up to him and yelled, "My mohawk is bigger than yours! Ha! Ha!"

Little did we know, you were just warming up your engines for the craziness that was to come later in the day. We had some dear friends [Chris, Jane & Haven] over for dinner. We were sitting around enjoying some coffee and cookies when I remembered to tell Jane about you staring down the little boy in the mall. Being a fairly combative and aggressive girl herself, I knew Jane would appreciate the story. You were standing nearby, so after the story I asked if you could show Auntie Jane your muscles. You looked at me with the, "Mom, do I have to?", look of sudden and completely un-characteristic shyness. It surprised me, because you usually have NO problem absorbing quite a bit of lime light. You started shrinking down to the floor and really had me stunned. "How weird that he's not taking full advantage of the spotlight!" Little did I know, though, that you were improvising an even MORE impressive muscle display than normal by taking a knee right down by her chair. You looked up at her and gave her the biggest flex I've seen to date! We all got quite a laugh. I thanked you and your Daddy promptly reminded you, "Yeah, Buddy. Remember, though, that flexing is really just for the girls." [I think he was trying to avoid more muscle showdowns like we'd experienced in the mall.] Chris was prompt to agree and told him, "Yep. You should flex for Haven." We all figured the main event was over, but lightning fast, Owen hopped up, ran around the table and dropped down on to his knee in front of Chris' not-quite-two-year-old, Haven. "Hey, Haven! Check this out!" Again, with the impressive display. I'm sure you get the picture. It was hilarious! I was completely aghast and at awe! Much to my dismay, you are rarely that prompt and agreeable to do anything that is requested of you. When it came to winning the affections of a pretty little lady, though, you were definitely hot to trot.

So, yikes!! I'm confident that these are just the first of many similar episodes sure to come. I have to say I'm quite glad and honored to occupy a front-row-seat to enjoy the show that is O. Your Daddy and I are quite taken by you, Little Man!

A Cheap Impostor, Some False Hope & The Ultimate Compliment

In your stroller @ the library.

My Sweet Nathan. You are getting so big so fast. [19.2 lbs, to be exact!]

You're 9 1/2 months old now and you have started so many new things just in the last 4 weeks. You sit up like a pro, you do a mean army-crawl and you're getting faster every day, you popped out two beautiful teeth without a fuss, you're going gung-ho on solid foods. It's amazing. YOU'RE amazing!

From the very beginning, you have been a champion nurser. You are all business and you make no bones about letting people know. You'll even stop to glare at your daddy if he tries to interrupt you mid-meal. You're too funny.

I nursed both of your big brothers for about nine months but then they both started to lose interest, my supply wained and then it was over. I was SO hoping that I'd get a little extra time with you. [Not creepy long, mind you, but still. I'd gladly take a few more months.] But, alas, it seems like our nursing days may be coming to an end. You're definitely not losing interest, but my supply just can't keep up with you. All your moving and shaking is churning up quite an impressive appetite!

Since I could tell that weaning is on the horizon, I bought a canister of formula and tried giving you your first bottle of formula last Saturday. Both of your brothers were pros at taking bottles. You, on the other hand, have made it quite clear on several prior occasions that a bottle just doesn't meet your standards. Whether you get nice, warm milk or not, that bottle is a cheap impostor and you would really, REALLY rather not resort to such a desperate measure. But, Saturday was different. It was a breeze! You snuggled right up to me, looked me in the eyes and gulped it right down. No problem! I laid you down for a nap and promptly went to sing your praises to Daddy - because you really are an amazing little guy.

But, it seems you aren't prepared to give up quite so easily. [Darn it!] That one blessedly simple formula feeding was your first and your last. Ever since you have refused to take a bottle. Apparently you aren't willing to give up without a fight. Where does that leave us? Well. You are slightly hungry. I am slightly frustrated. I think we're just going to have to keep at it until you decide that maybe your standards are a little bit unrealistic. [Although I do think anyone that cute really should get their way.]

So. Like I said, I'm frustrated. I'm trying not to think too much about weaning you, because I don't want to. You're my baby and everything you do for the last time is something that I will be doing for the last time, too. If I think about it too much I'm going to end up soaking my keyboard while I type. I have to move on and know that every last comes with another first and that you're more and more incredible each and every day - it's just the way it was with your brothers. But still, harder with you. Will you please, please always be my baby?

In the mean time, I'm trying to down-play my frustration by realizing that you are really just giving me the ultimate compliment. After all, how special does it make a person feel when someone they love shows them that they are #1? That absolutely, without-a-doubt no other thing or person could ever take their place? It feels darn special and I'm so happy to be your preferred milk-delivery method. I love you, Little One!

Could I Have That In Writing, Please?

When I drop Caleb off at school in the mornings, we drive right past Eldorado High School. This morning, as we drove past a few saggy pants-ed guys that were standing on the sidewalk, this is the conversation that ensued:

Caleb: Mom, there's something so weird that I don't understand.

Me: What's that, Buddy?

Caleb: I don't know why teenagers want to wear pants that show their butts to everyone.

Me: I have NO idea. Will you promise me that you'll never wear your pants that way?

Caleb: No way!!! I'll never wear jeans that show my butt!

Owen: [with a very Bevis & Butthead style laugh] Hee hee hee! I'm gonna show my butt to everybody!

So much to say!

So much to say, so much to say... [Aagh...Dave Matthews Band. Always good.]

It's been a long time. As usual, my lapse in posting does NOT mean that I've had a lack of things to post about. It's actually quite the opposite. Just too much going on. I have a whole list of excuses as to why I haven't been posting, but I know what excuses are like - everyone has them and they all stink. That's why I prefer to think of my list as more of an explanation of why...

1) We were thinking about moving back into the mountains. The urge comes and goes, but this time the urge was equipped with a really great house that we all fell in love with. A big lot, a flower meadow across the street, great views of the mountains, amazing front and back porches... Aagh... It was darn tempting and after LOTS of prayers and deliberation we decided to go for it - only to have the whole thing turn weird on us. We had to walk away from the deal, so there goes that plan.

Why did that keep me from posting? Because in the panic of "we're going to have to list our house - and FAST", we came up with a super long list of things that needed attention around the house. Lots of those things were painting projects, which is my area of expertise. I picked new colors for the trim and the front of the house and dove into the job full force. Now, it's about 55% done and I haven't picked up a paintbrush in weeks. We aren't listing the house anymore, so what's the rush? I keep hoping there's some sort of painting fairy that will appear and finish the job for me, but I'm starting to have my doubts. I don't think it's going to happen. Darn it.

2) My computer has been running slow. And when I say slow, I mean really, really sloooowwww. I know we're living in an age where we've become accustomed to having information at the tip of our fingers in split seconds and that anything longer feels unacceptable. But really. I'm not exaggerating. I'm not sure what's wrong, but it's downright painful. It's particularly slow when I have iPhoto open. I don't know if it's because my computer is getting darn old or because there's upwards of 5,000 pictures in my iPhoto library, but... Blogging just isn't as fun when I can't ad pictures, so what's the point?

3) We've just been stinkin' busy. Busy having fun and loving life, though, so no complaints here!

My computer is behaving relatively well today [knock on wood], so here's a sort of photo list of things you may have missed out on over the last month or so...

My amazing and ever-sacrificying hubby gave up his motorcycle [a man's man dream machine] so that we could get a big hick truck and a pop-up camper [also super cool, just in a slightly less testosterone-filled way]. We've taken the boys for two family camping trips so far and it's been GREAT fun!

Caleb started kindergarten at SY Jackson Elementary. Being the weirdo that he is, he insisted on my taking his picture with his backpack on backwards. "Otherwise you can't see my Lobo backpack." He's loving school and doing great. He's learning to count by tens, add numbers, write all the letters and sound out words. He's amazing!

Owen turned 3! [I was waiting for him to outgrow the Terrible Twos. Now I can't wait for him to outgrow the Terrible Threes. Sigh...]

Zach did a super spectacular flip dismount off his mountain bike. Thank God for his helmet. It lost a chunk off the side, but thankfully Zach's face remained mostly intact. He had some rock-rash, a fairly impressive black eye and 7 stitches, but it could have been much, much worse!

Nathan outgrew his bouncer seat...

...only to be introduced to his jumper, which he loooves! [Look at those thighs. Edible!]

We woke up super early one morning in early October so the boys could see two hot air balloons inflate [up close] at Caleb's school. I'm not sure what was more exciting - the balloons or the hot cocoa and chocolate donuts they got to eat for breakfast, but we all had fun!

Owen really enjoyed the balloons, but I think his favorite part [and mine] was when he discovered how much fun he could have while doing somersaults head-first down a pretty big hill!

Nathan discovered that noses make a really great chew toy. [This is particularly fun for the chew-ie, especially once your nostrils fill with drool!]

Owen decided that he prefers to wear his shirts "like Hercules". Plus, he's super impressed with his muscles lately, as am I!

The three little guys, Momo [my mom] and I went to McCall's Pumpkin Patch for a field trip with Caleb's school. We climbed the hay pyramid [that's Caleb, Owen and I waaaay at the top], went on a hay ride, picked pumpkins directly from the patch, found our way through a corn maze... It was a great day!

Nathan got to try his first cereal. The verdict? Mmmm.... Yummy!

Caleb dressed up as Obi Wan Kenobi for halloween. He was so dashing with his drawn-on beard. My favorite part was when he pointed to his chest and said, "Mom! You forgot the hairs that go here!"

Owen dressed up as Buzz Lightyear for halloween. He wanted the wings SO badly and then, after I spent an entire day making them, he only wore them for exactly the 10 seconds that it took me to take this picture. Darn it.

Nathan dressed up as a teddy bear. Oh my goodness! I didn't think it was possible for him to be any cuter or more cuddly than normal, but put the guy in a bear suit and he'll blow your mind!

So, like I said, we've been busy...

How'd it go?

Today I tried to walk the walk - as far as showing love in the midst [of chaos] goes.

[If you don't know what I'm talking about, read the Unconditional Love post first.]

So, how'd it go? It went well! Today, I actually managed to make it through an entire day of being at home with three sick-ish boys and I didn't lose it - not even once. That doesn't mean that there weren't any tantrums or fits. Oh, boy, were there! But, I was able to act with an element of control and calm that was completely foreign. Why? Because it sure as heck wasn't coming from me. But I can tell you that it sure was welcome. I think the boys even noticed it, too.

The secret of the success? I really think it was throwing up my hands, giving up and knowing from the get-go that it was a completely impossible task. If you're up against something that you know 100%, without-a-doubt that you can't possibly do, it's not hard to expect the very minimum from yourself. If, however, you know that you've got someone in your corner that is 100% capable and, well, perfect, then it's easy to take a deep breath, slow down and know that the pressure is off. Isn't it a relief to be carried? It takes so much less effort to take on the impossible tasks when you simply stop trying to do it on your own. And the best part? You actually start seeing results - succeeding rather than failing miserably. Amazing, no?

Unconditional Love

un.con.di.tion.al

[uhn-kuhn-dish-uh-nl]

-adjective.

1. not limited by conditions; absolute.

Never in my life have I had such clear, frequent examples of forgiveness and unconditional love as I have since becoming a mother. Until that time, I had also never quite realized my own capacity for losing my patience and becoming an eye-bulging, vein-popping monster. It has taken me quite by surprise.

I think my whole understanding of unconditional love is changing.

I have always tended to look at love with a "big picture" mindset. For instance, in my relationship with Zach, I am 100% confident in his love for me and my love for him. So, whenever we're not seeing eye-to-eye (which doesn't happen often, but it still does from time to time), I always draw comfort from the fact that no matter what things feel like right now, I know that we are always going to be okay in the long run - because we love each other and are committed to each other. We will always work out our problems and any temporary differences we have will always fade away (sooner rather than later, because we hate wasting our time together by being upset) because, in the big scheme of things, we love each other.

It's the same way with the boys. I can most definitely say that I don't always love their behavior. I don't always love their attitudes, but I ABSOLUTELY always love them...all. the. time. That will never change.

In my mind, that was unconditional love. But, like I said, I think my understanding is beginning to change.

Unconditional love is love that isn't limited by conditions.

Its power and effectiveness is not lessened or diminished based on what's going on NOW.

Love isn't just a "big picture" or an after-the-storm-blows-over fail safe. It just isn't. Of course it's always there - especially in my life. I feel it all the time. But, I'm starting to believe that the measure of my love has more to do with how I behave in the midst. Yes, I love my boys always, but what do I look like when they're in the middle of a tantrum or an act of disobedience? Am I able to ACT effectively in the situation, rather than simply RE-acting? No. I can't. With lightning speed, I am taken over by the Hyde in me. I want that to change. I'm starting to realize that firm but loving action on my part will always produce better results than simply trying to control situations and events.

So, can I do it? Nope. Definitely not on my own. I'm just not that loving, kind or patient. Thankfully, I know someone who is. So, I think I'll try letting him take the wheel more often, especially when **it is hitting the fan.

I'll let you know how it goes...

PS...you should probably know that, since I have three boys, when I say that **it is hitting the fan, it may very well be **it that I'm referring to, rather than me just waxing poetic. Between having a potty-training (almost) 3-year-old and a newborn that holds it all day so he can surprise mommy with one grand explosion each day, I am completely overwhelmed with how much **it I am coming into contact with each day. Yikes. Isn't life grand? (Yes. It most certainly is!)

Sweet, Sweet Baby

I'm typing with one hand right now, because I was nursing you and you passed out in my arms. You are so sweet and precious. I never want to set you down, even though you're making my left hand go numb! I opened iTunes and we're listening to "our" song. I love singing it to you, when it's just you-and-me. It goes like this:

Sweet Sweet Baby, I said maybe
Maybe you should stay with me
Sweet Sweet Baby, I think maybe
Maybe you shouldn’t leave
Sweet Sweet Baby, I go crazy
Crazy when I think of you
Sweet Sweet Baby, I go crazy
If I can cuddle up to you

So baby, oh baby,
Please don’t go
Yeah baby oh sweet baby
Please don’t go

You’re the only one
You’re the only one
You’re the only one
For me
You’re the only one
Yeah the only one
You’re the only one
For me

Sweet Sweet baby, Can you save me
Save me from a night without you
Sweet Sweet baby, Can you save me
The way that I am going to save you

So baby, oh baby
Please don’t go
Yeah baby oh sweet baby

You’re the only one
You’re the only one
You’re the only one
For me
You’re the only one
Yeah the only one
You’re the only one
For me
You’re the only one
Yeah the only one
You’re the only one
For me

(by Michelle Featherstone)

It's time to go pick up Caleb, so we're going to have to move - darn it. This is definitely a great example of why I'd love to be able to freeze time. Actually, when I sing the song to you, I usually end up singing "Please don't grow", instead of "Please don't go", because this is all passing by way too quickly...

I love you, Sweet Baby!

My body was filled with your absence.

Last night, dear Nathan, I had the paradoxical experience that most mothers go through sooner or later. In our sleep deprived delirium, we often cry, "Oh! If only you could sleep through the night!" Then, when you actually DO sleep for a longer-than-normal stretch, rather than relishing the sought after sleep, we lay awake in a state of total panic. "Are you okay???"

That's what I was doing at 4am...laying in my bed wide-awake, telling God [in no uncertain terms] that the only option that was at all acceptable was for you to be healthy, happy and sleeping soundly. Life without you, my precious Nathan, is simply not an option. And that's what I told God. And then, believing that he truly is loving and just [and that he's just as wild about you as I am], I asked him for the peace that I'd need to join you in sweet sleep. But, it didn't happen. The momma-in-me just couldn't get free from the grip of fear...so I peeked. I was trying not to, because your door sticks and makes a really loud noise. But, I did get it open in time to catch a glimpse of your little, jammied foot wiggling - that was enough. I just had to know that you were okay. You finally woke up about 30 minutes later and I didn't hesitate to jump out of bed and cuddle you.

I'm tempted to tell God that I'd gladly keep doing night-time feedings for all eternity if he'd only let you stay just like you are now - precious, perfect, innocent. But, then I think of your big brothers and how amazing they are. I know that you will be just as amazing and that I'd miss out on all the incredible things you'll do. I'm certain that you'll be able to keep me captivated effortlessly for a lifetime - just by being you. So, I guess I'll be content to watch you grow, although the change I see every single day is almost too much. You're precious...

A few hours later, I experienced the same empty feeling of panic again as I walked away from your kindergarten classroom - your first day, my Caleb. I tried to make Owen hold my hand, but he wouldn't. I cuddled Nathan [whether he liked it or not] a little closer to my chest. I felt like I was grasping at straws, trying to keep you from slipping through my grasp. My sweet Caleb, I wanted to be brave for you and not cry, but I couldn't help it - just a few tears because you're another milestone older.

You made my day when you saw me through the window at dismissal time and waved, with a huge smile. You bounded out the door and into my arms and I never, ever want to forget holding you up off the ground in a huge embrace. You're amazing. You are full of silly, unbridled energy. [You insisted I take your picture this morning with your backpack on backwards.] You want to play all. day. long. You make me crazy, but it's such a good thing. Once you're old enough to focus all that might, determination and curiosity, you'll touch the stars. You recently told me that you want to be an astronaut, but that you'd rather fly a jet in space than a rocket. I told you that's not possible, but you may very well be the one to prove me wrong. You're brilliant. You built a bridge between our couches using only a deck of flashcards when you were four. You've aspired to be so many great and amazing things [a storm trooper, a football player, a scientist]. You have such a sweet spirit and I'm so very, very proud of you. I love being your Mommy. Some day you may be flying through the stars, but as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be. I love you, Big Guy.

My Scuba Dudes

We celebrated Caleb's 6th birthday at a pool and had a great time! The boys' great-uncle Scott had a pair of goggles and the big two just couldn't resist giving them a go.

Watch out Beach Babes! With these two Sultry Swimmers on the scene, it'll take all your might to resist their charms!

And what, you might ask, was Little Stud Muffin [emphasis on the muffin] up to? He joined in on the fun, too!

Aagh...fun in the sun!

Baby! Where's your hair?!?

Caleb @ 1 week

Owen @ 2 months

Nathan @ 4 months

Hmmm... What happened to your hair, Nathan? If you look at only the first two pictures, it'd appear that it is a Taylor family trend for babies to be born with tons of hair. But, apparently, Nathan, you are the one to buck the system - AND I LOVE IT!!!

It was definitely fun having babies with so much hair. You guys got a ton of attention everywhere we went: "Look at all that hair!!!" You were both so handsome and, well, furry.

But, I always felt a little jealous of mommies that had bald babies. I always imagined that it'd feel pretty darn nice to nuzzle my cheek against such a nice orb of fuzz. Now, I get to experience the best of both worlds! Granted, you didn't start out quite this bald, Nathan.

All three of my guys have had to have haircuts fairly early in their lives - 12 weeks or so for both Caleb and Owen. It was necessary, in order to tame your manes! Now, at 16 weeks, you've had your first haircut, too, Nathan! It started with a buzz. You had some sweet tufts of fluff at the nape of your neck that kept getting knotted from all your wiggling. So, in an effort to prevent the knots, I buzzed it off! But, then you were just left with your sweet little baby fuzz and one patch of hair on the top of your head that was ridiculously long. As your Uncle Boomer so accurately claimed, it really was the world's greatest comb-over. Since your daddy and I aren't particularly big fans of comb-overs, we decided it should go - and away it went! Now your entire head is covered in fine, short fluff and it's wonderful!

Since Caleb and Owen were both past due and Nathan came two weeks early, I figured that was the biggest cause for the differences in hair. I expected Nathan's little head to be covered in no time. But, it hasn't happened yet! I'm sure it will, but, in the mean time, I've got a lot more nuzzling to do!

I love you all...and your precious [furry or not] melon heads!

A Day at the Water Park

Today we spent the afternoon at your favorite water park in town - Water Monkeys. [Caleb and Owen, you both very intently and intelligently explained to us that there really weren't monkeys in the water, it was just the name - thank you SO much for the insight! I'm not so sure I'd be keen on swimming with monkeys.]

It was so much fun watching you boys play in the water. You both went down the slides about a million times. Owen, you even decided to be brave and go down by yourself, on your tummy! It was so much fun watching you disappear [all toothy smile] down the slide over and over again.

You both sported purple lips, shivered and swore that you weren't too cold to keep playing. You really would have stayed there all day, if we would have let you.



Daddy and Nathan both had a pretty good time, too, although their exploits didn't result in getting wet, exactly...

And when you weren't napping, Nathan, you were busy flirting with Auntie Anna and establishing yourself as a die-hard thumb-sucker. [Good boy!]



It was a great day...

The Little Two

As Daddy and I prepared to bring you, Little Nathan, into our home, our biggest concern was for how your big brother, Owen, would react. He had been the baby in the family for 2+ years, he loves attention and, well, his mannerisms have been likened to that of a bulldozer. I was honestly a little nervous about how you'd fare in this house that was already very full of boys and their very big personalities!

I couldn't have been more pleasantly surprised and totally blessed, though, at how you, Dear Owen, have responded to your baby brother. From the very beginning, you have been so very sweet, gentle and kind with him. You were eager to hold him right away and you love nuzzling your head against his. Any time he cries, you holler, "Momma! Nathan is hungry!", and you want me to care for him immediately. You don't like to see him in distress. If he begins to fuss, you always tell him, "It's okay, Baby Brudder." You like to give him goodnight kisses.

I love watching you two together. It's so very precious. I'm sure it won't last forever. The rivalries and wrestling matches are bound to come. But, I'm sure as heck going to enjoy your sweetness for now!

Excuse me, Sir, but would you like some butter...

...with those rolls?

A Pain In My Neck

Look at those little angel faces! But, don't be fooled. Have you ever heard of the phrase "a pain in the neck?" Because you're it! Seriously. Well, not quite, but close. It's more like a pain in the lower back, but still - it's there and you're causing it!

My lower back has been killing me for the last several days and, even though I just had another birthday, I'm still "much too young to feel this darn old". But, finally it dawned on me. This isn't an age-induced ache. This is a lugging-around-heavy-boys ache. Thankfully, my Caleb, you are big enough now that you only need to be picked up on the rarest of occasions. It's getting better with you too, Owen. Although I do still have to get you in and out of the car. [You'd really prefer to do this yourself, but it takes about 8 minutes each time. Maddening!] But, Nathan? Good grief! You may just be the straw [Ha! A 14+ pound straw!] that will break my back! The first indicators were all the bruises popping up around my knees - from lugging you around in your car seat. The sore back, caused by heaving you and your seat in and out of the car, is further proof that you boys are a pain, quite literally!

And, might I add, worth every bit of it!

[Although I do think I'll be re-arranging the back seat so that I don't have to lift you quite so far, Nathan. My little Beef Cake!]

Peek-a-boo!