How'd it go?

Today I tried to walk the walk - as far as showing love in the midst [of chaos] goes.

[If you don't know what I'm talking about, read the Unconditional Love post first.]

So, how'd it go? It went well! Today, I actually managed to make it through an entire day of being at home with three sick-ish boys and I didn't lose it - not even once. That doesn't mean that there weren't any tantrums or fits. Oh, boy, were there! But, I was able to act with an element of control and calm that was completely foreign. Why? Because it sure as heck wasn't coming from me. But I can tell you that it sure was welcome. I think the boys even noticed it, too.

The secret of the success? I really think it was throwing up my hands, giving up and knowing from the get-go that it was a completely impossible task. If you're up against something that you know 100%, without-a-doubt that you can't possibly do, it's not hard to expect the very minimum from yourself. If, however, you know that you've got someone in your corner that is 100% capable and, well, perfect, then it's easy to take a deep breath, slow down and know that the pressure is off. Isn't it a relief to be carried? It takes so much less effort to take on the impossible tasks when you simply stop trying to do it on your own. And the best part? You actually start seeing results - succeeding rather than failing miserably. Amazing, no?

Unconditional Love

un.con.di.tion.al

[uhn-kuhn-dish-uh-nl]

-adjective.

1. not limited by conditions; absolute.

Never in my life have I had such clear, frequent examples of forgiveness and unconditional love as I have since becoming a mother. Until that time, I had also never quite realized my own capacity for losing my patience and becoming an eye-bulging, vein-popping monster. It has taken me quite by surprise.

I think my whole understanding of unconditional love is changing.

I have always tended to look at love with a "big picture" mindset. For instance, in my relationship with Zach, I am 100% confident in his love for me and my love for him. So, whenever we're not seeing eye-to-eye (which doesn't happen often, but it still does from time to time), I always draw comfort from the fact that no matter what things feel like right now, I know that we are always going to be okay in the long run - because we love each other and are committed to each other. We will always work out our problems and any temporary differences we have will always fade away (sooner rather than later, because we hate wasting our time together by being upset) because, in the big scheme of things, we love each other.

It's the same way with the boys. I can most definitely say that I don't always love their behavior. I don't always love their attitudes, but I ABSOLUTELY always love them...all. the. time. That will never change.

In my mind, that was unconditional love. But, like I said, I think my understanding is beginning to change.

Unconditional love is love that isn't limited by conditions.

Its power and effectiveness is not lessened or diminished based on what's going on NOW.

Love isn't just a "big picture" or an after-the-storm-blows-over fail safe. It just isn't. Of course it's always there - especially in my life. I feel it all the time. But, I'm starting to believe that the measure of my love has more to do with how I behave in the midst. Yes, I love my boys always, but what do I look like when they're in the middle of a tantrum or an act of disobedience? Am I able to ACT effectively in the situation, rather than simply RE-acting? No. I can't. With lightning speed, I am taken over by the Hyde in me. I want that to change. I'm starting to realize that firm but loving action on my part will always produce better results than simply trying to control situations and events.

So, can I do it? Nope. Definitely not on my own. I'm just not that loving, kind or patient. Thankfully, I know someone who is. So, I think I'll try letting him take the wheel more often, especially when **it is hitting the fan.

I'll let you know how it goes...

PS...you should probably know that, since I have three boys, when I say that **it is hitting the fan, it may very well be **it that I'm referring to, rather than me just waxing poetic. Between having a potty-training (almost) 3-year-old and a newborn that holds it all day so he can surprise mommy with one grand explosion each day, I am completely overwhelmed with how much **it I am coming into contact with each day. Yikes. Isn't life grand? (Yes. It most certainly is!)

Sweet, Sweet Baby

I'm typing with one hand right now, because I was nursing you and you passed out in my arms. You are so sweet and precious. I never want to set you down, even though you're making my left hand go numb! I opened iTunes and we're listening to "our" song. I love singing it to you, when it's just you-and-me. It goes like this:

Sweet Sweet Baby, I said maybe
Maybe you should stay with me
Sweet Sweet Baby, I think maybe
Maybe you shouldn’t leave
Sweet Sweet Baby, I go crazy
Crazy when I think of you
Sweet Sweet Baby, I go crazy
If I can cuddle up to you

So baby, oh baby,
Please don’t go
Yeah baby oh sweet baby
Please don’t go

You’re the only one
You’re the only one
You’re the only one
For me
You’re the only one
Yeah the only one
You’re the only one
For me

Sweet Sweet baby, Can you save me
Save me from a night without you
Sweet Sweet baby, Can you save me
The way that I am going to save you

So baby, oh baby
Please don’t go
Yeah baby oh sweet baby

You’re the only one
You’re the only one
You’re the only one
For me
You’re the only one
Yeah the only one
You’re the only one
For me
You’re the only one
Yeah the only one
You’re the only one
For me

(by Michelle Featherstone)

It's time to go pick up Caleb, so we're going to have to move - darn it. This is definitely a great example of why I'd love to be able to freeze time. Actually, when I sing the song to you, I usually end up singing "Please don't grow", instead of "Please don't go", because this is all passing by way too quickly...

I love you, Sweet Baby!

My body was filled with your absence.

Last night, dear Nathan, I had the paradoxical experience that most mothers go through sooner or later. In our sleep deprived delirium, we often cry, "Oh! If only you could sleep through the night!" Then, when you actually DO sleep for a longer-than-normal stretch, rather than relishing the sought after sleep, we lay awake in a state of total panic. "Are you okay???"

That's what I was doing at 4am...laying in my bed wide-awake, telling God [in no uncertain terms] that the only option that was at all acceptable was for you to be healthy, happy and sleeping soundly. Life without you, my precious Nathan, is simply not an option. And that's what I told God. And then, believing that he truly is loving and just [and that he's just as wild about you as I am], I asked him for the peace that I'd need to join you in sweet sleep. But, it didn't happen. The momma-in-me just couldn't get free from the grip of fear...so I peeked. I was trying not to, because your door sticks and makes a really loud noise. But, I did get it open in time to catch a glimpse of your little, jammied foot wiggling - that was enough. I just had to know that you were okay. You finally woke up about 30 minutes later and I didn't hesitate to jump out of bed and cuddle you.

I'm tempted to tell God that I'd gladly keep doing night-time feedings for all eternity if he'd only let you stay just like you are now - precious, perfect, innocent. But, then I think of your big brothers and how amazing they are. I know that you will be just as amazing and that I'd miss out on all the incredible things you'll do. I'm certain that you'll be able to keep me captivated effortlessly for a lifetime - just by being you. So, I guess I'll be content to watch you grow, although the change I see every single day is almost too much. You're precious...

A few hours later, I experienced the same empty feeling of panic again as I walked away from your kindergarten classroom - your first day, my Caleb. I tried to make Owen hold my hand, but he wouldn't. I cuddled Nathan [whether he liked it or not] a little closer to my chest. I felt like I was grasping at straws, trying to keep you from slipping through my grasp. My sweet Caleb, I wanted to be brave for you and not cry, but I couldn't help it - just a few tears because you're another milestone older.

You made my day when you saw me through the window at dismissal time and waved, with a huge smile. You bounded out the door and into my arms and I never, ever want to forget holding you up off the ground in a huge embrace. You're amazing. You are full of silly, unbridled energy. [You insisted I take your picture this morning with your backpack on backwards.] You want to play all. day. long. You make me crazy, but it's such a good thing. Once you're old enough to focus all that might, determination and curiosity, you'll touch the stars. You recently told me that you want to be an astronaut, but that you'd rather fly a jet in space than a rocket. I told you that's not possible, but you may very well be the one to prove me wrong. You're brilliant. You built a bridge between our couches using only a deck of flashcards when you were four. You've aspired to be so many great and amazing things [a storm trooper, a football player, a scientist]. You have such a sweet spirit and I'm so very, very proud of you. I love being your Mommy. Some day you may be flying through the stars, but as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be. I love you, Big Guy.

My Scuba Dudes

We celebrated Caleb's 6th birthday at a pool and had a great time! The boys' great-uncle Scott had a pair of goggles and the big two just couldn't resist giving them a go.

Watch out Beach Babes! With these two Sultry Swimmers on the scene, it'll take all your might to resist their charms!

And what, you might ask, was Little Stud Muffin [emphasis on the muffin] up to? He joined in on the fun, too!

Aagh...fun in the sun!

Baby! Where's your hair?!?

Caleb @ 1 week

Owen @ 2 months

Nathan @ 4 months

Hmmm... What happened to your hair, Nathan? If you look at only the first two pictures, it'd appear that it is a Taylor family trend for babies to be born with tons of hair. But, apparently, Nathan, you are the one to buck the system - AND I LOVE IT!!!

It was definitely fun having babies with so much hair. You guys got a ton of attention everywhere we went: "Look at all that hair!!!" You were both so handsome and, well, furry.

But, I always felt a little jealous of mommies that had bald babies. I always imagined that it'd feel pretty darn nice to nuzzle my cheek against such a nice orb of fuzz. Now, I get to experience the best of both worlds! Granted, you didn't start out quite this bald, Nathan.

All three of my guys have had to have haircuts fairly early in their lives - 12 weeks or so for both Caleb and Owen. It was necessary, in order to tame your manes! Now, at 16 weeks, you've had your first haircut, too, Nathan! It started with a buzz. You had some sweet tufts of fluff at the nape of your neck that kept getting knotted from all your wiggling. So, in an effort to prevent the knots, I buzzed it off! But, then you were just left with your sweet little baby fuzz and one patch of hair on the top of your head that was ridiculously long. As your Uncle Boomer so accurately claimed, it really was the world's greatest comb-over. Since your daddy and I aren't particularly big fans of comb-overs, we decided it should go - and away it went! Now your entire head is covered in fine, short fluff and it's wonderful!

Since Caleb and Owen were both past due and Nathan came two weeks early, I figured that was the biggest cause for the differences in hair. I expected Nathan's little head to be covered in no time. But, it hasn't happened yet! I'm sure it will, but, in the mean time, I've got a lot more nuzzling to do!

I love you all...and your precious [furry or not] melon heads!

A Day at the Water Park

Today we spent the afternoon at your favorite water park in town - Water Monkeys. [Caleb and Owen, you both very intently and intelligently explained to us that there really weren't monkeys in the water, it was just the name - thank you SO much for the insight! I'm not so sure I'd be keen on swimming with monkeys.]

It was so much fun watching you boys play in the water. You both went down the slides about a million times. Owen, you even decided to be brave and go down by yourself, on your tummy! It was so much fun watching you disappear [all toothy smile] down the slide over and over again.

You both sported purple lips, shivered and swore that you weren't too cold to keep playing. You really would have stayed there all day, if we would have let you.



Daddy and Nathan both had a pretty good time, too, although their exploits didn't result in getting wet, exactly...

And when you weren't napping, Nathan, you were busy flirting with Auntie Anna and establishing yourself as a die-hard thumb-sucker. [Good boy!]



It was a great day...